Whoops, haven’t been keeping up.

So last night I had some crazy amazing sex with Mr. Tall.  It was ah-mazing.  Started out slow which was actually sort of nice, and then there was the “Oh well maybe you could just put it in for a minute…maybe I could just rub on it”  Yeah that fools no one.  Regardless I seduced him into it.  

First position I was hanging half off the bed (thank god I’ve been working on my abs), I was sideways- he was laying perpendicular to me.  One of my legs was over his hip; the other was between his legs and I grabbed his leg for some leverage to pull myself on to him…It was HOT.

Second position he flipped me into doggy, (which normally is just awkward and doesn’t work out well-my legs are too long and dating guys my height or shorter I just can’t angle myself down far enough for them to get in) and this time I was a bit more on the bed but I had to put an arm down and put a hand on the floor to hold myself up. He did the thing where he was on one knee and had the other up and over my hip.  Again it was HOT.

Third we ended with the tried and true me on my back with him kneeling by my thighs with my legs up over his shoulders. It was epic finish for both of us.  

And the build up to the actual sex, all the touching and soft caressing, foreplay was intense. 

That’s it.  I just literally wanted to brag about? Tell someone? But most of the people I talk to I realize I can’t talk to about my amazing sex because they will get jealous.

Which brings me to : When did I become the keeper of everyone’s cocks, and repsonsible for making them cum?

Lately everyone is up my ass vying for my attention: cam, in person, in game, on voice, etc.  And when my attention is divided between half a dozen people – each of them knowing I’m distracted because my attention is divided- everyone still gets all pissy that my sole attention isn’t on them.  Sorry? If you want my undivided attention you take me out on a date.  And then the guilt trips start “Well I was just worried about you …I can’t believe you would rather talk to that asshole than me…But I’ve been waiting for you…Okay you contact me when you want to talk/play” .  

I’ll leave myself as away in messengers for most of the day and only contact the people I want to know I’m online.  I’m afraid to log into one of my favorite games.  If I forget to set my away message before I got out for the evening I come back to seven IMs “hey what’s up? you there? what’s wrong? why won’t you talk to me? ”   

And of course how arrogant am I to complain about getting attention? Particularly since only a week ago I was super hyper and would have killed for some attention but everyone was busy.

 But man, I can only juggle so many people and so many feelings and I don’t know where they get off making me feel obligated to pay attention to them/be as interested in them as they are in me.  And why would anyone assume I want to hear them bad mouth my other friends and lovers? just because they are throwing a pity party.

Maybe I’ll become a nun.  But then I would miss out on the sex and attention I do like.  Yeah with a guy who actually cares about if I’m into it and if I enjoy myself.  Rather than dudes who are like “Ohhh I’m so horny, I can’t do anything until I get off, can you just watch me get off? That would really help me”  Good for you, I’m in the middle of a workout/breakfast/homework and I’m not really in the mood to watch some dude masturbate.  Particularly since I can call someone up and get a in-person dick and I’ll get to enjoy myself too.

So yeah, I realize I sound like an insufferable, arrogant player…but…it’s my blog. It’s anonymous.  And anyone who doesn’t like it would have stopped reading paragraphs ago and is probably already trying to get their retarded flaming comment posted.

Clown Adoption
Sal: So my birthday is going to be here soon.
Chad: Almost three months, yeah, I guess that is soon.
Sal: So I was talking to Tommy and you know what he got?
Chad: Tell me.
Sal: He adopted a clown.
Chad: A clown?
Sal: Yeah, I saw it, it lives in his closet.
Chad: A clown? Like from a circus.
Sal: Yeah, where else would you adopt a clown? They have hundreds there.
Chad: Which circus? Barnum and Bailey?
Sal: I don’t know, just the circus. You can adopt them.
Chad: I don’t understand. Why would you adopt a clown?
Sal: They have too many old clowns, and they keep getting new ones. So when the clowns get too old, they slow down and aren’t funny anymore, so they adopt them out to kids.
Chad: How old are these clowns?
Sal: Like sixty years old, too old to be funny and they can’t win at the clown races anymore.
Chad: So the circus continues to get newer, faster, funnier clowns for their clown races and the old ones they give out for adoption? 
Sal: Right.
Chad: What do they do with the clowns no one wants to adopt?
Sal: They put them on a farm somewhere and they just wander around a field. But they get sad because they don’t have any kids to entertain.
Chad: Obviously, it’s their purpose.
Sal: So we should adopt a clown so it won’t get sad, and I won’t get sad thinking about it getting sad.
Chad: First of all, that’s very empathetic, I give you props for your humanity. Second, I’m not so sure we have space for a clown. Think about this, how often are you at my place?
Sal: I’m there every week.
Chad: Yes, every week but not every day. So guess who has to take care of this old, slow, not funny clown?
Sal: I don’t know, they can kind of take care of themselves.
Chad: Me, I’m the one who has to take care of the clown. Also, I’ll have to take it outside to go to the bathroom, I’ll have to take it on walks, and I’ve got to feed it. I mean it is a clown, so it will eat as much as I eat. That seems really expensive. Plus, I would imagine it would have some other “problems” and I just don’t want to have to lock up my Captain.
Sal: Clowns don’t have to go outside to go the bathroom, they can go in the sink, or the toilet if you train them. And they don’t eat much. They sell clown food at Kroger. All they need is a bowl of cotton candy and kool aid and they are fed.
Chad: Still, ok let’s imagine that clown food is cheap and I don’t have to go out into the snow to let them go to the bathroom. I still have to live with the thing, I mean, I’m pretty happy without a roommate and I feel a clown would be just be like a roommate, but more dependant on me. 
Sal: We could get a clown that just sleeps in the closet when I’m not there.
Chad: We have one closet, my closet, where I keep all of my clothes. Do you know how freaky that will be when I’m trying to get ready in the morning, opening up my closet and seeing some old wrinkly clown in my closet?
Sal: Well he can sleep on the bed with you like the cat.
Chad: I think that would be much worse.
Sal: We can train the clown to do all kinds of things.
Chad: But you got to think that if we adopt a clown, and it is sixty or so, we might have to take care of it for another twenty or thirty years. I do hope to try and date again in that time, I don’t think a clown would necessarily impress the ladies. Plus the make up, do you know how much clown make up will cost? 
Sal: No, clowns don’t need make up dad. They’re born looking like that, they make clown make up for us to look like clowns on Halloween or parties.
Chad: I’m sorry, I don’t want a clown.
Sal: But I’m old enough for one, what if we put it in my backpack and I took it to school with me.
Chad: How can we get it into your backpack?
Sal: Haven’t you seen a clown before? They fit into all kinds of places like buckets.
Chad: No clowns, no, not at all.
Sal: But they will be so sad.
Chad: They should have chosen a career with more security.
Sal: They’re clowns dad, they don’t have a choice. All they can do is be a clown.
Chad: My answer is still no, but we can visit them at the circus or the farm. 
Sal: Ok, but when you see one you’ll say to yourself, “that clown is so sad, I need to give it a home.”

Pizza at Mother Bears

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Reply to: pers-1007855678@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2009-01-26, 12:41AM EST

 

The c store had just opened and I was standing there in my pajama pants with a black hat, wet hair, glasses, a black coat and flip flops even though there’s snow on the ground outside. 

Standing in line to get my lunch before my next class, I dropped a water bottle and watched, in what felt like slow motion, as it fell through the air to bursts onto the floor. With water everywhere, and a long line behind me, you said “Well that’s gotta suck” then promptly bent to pick up the cap and bottle of water, leaving your spot behind me in line to put the now-empty bottle on the counter.

You came back with a humor-filled smile and grinning eyes wearing a t-shirt with mario characters on it. You took my basket from me as the person in front of me checked out. Putting my items on the counter followed by your own, you stood casually as you waited for the clerk to ring up the items, as I stood dumbfounded by the situation but also by your appearance: tall, light brown hair, blue eyes, broad shoulders, sexy lips, and a devilish grin.

Before I snapped to, you were walking out the door with plastic bags of our items in tow, pausing to turn back to me with that same care-free grin as I look around anxiously and scurry over to catch up; I reach for the bag with my items just as you casually move it away from my grasp and start walking leading the way.

You pick a booth nearby, motioning me to have a seat. You set out our perspective lunches as I self-consciously tuck a wet strand of hair behind my ear and dart my eyes around.

Once you finished you looked up and said “You know you’re beautiful.” I blinked several times, then pulled the bill of my hat down further over my eyes, ducking my chin to my chest.

We chatted for hours, my class forgotten and eventually my awkwardness, as we converse about games, classes, the dating scene, all the while laughing and smiling until my cheeks hurt with it.

You wrote your number and screen names down on a napkin and slid it over to me as you stood up, mindful enough of having to go to your own classes. You gave me one last smile then sauntered off with all the confidence that no one outside of a movie should have in reality. You threw away the left overs from our hours-ago lunch then came back just as I was standing to follow suit. You kissed me as I looked up- a quick peck- and then moved off as I was struck dumb for the second time that day.

I woke up hugging my teddy bear and blinking drowsy eyes, as a I have a hazy thought about why my dreams wouldn’t be grander than a chance encounter with a modern day prince charming at the c-store. Then promptly went back to sleep to see if I could meet you for that pizza at mother bear’s that we talked about.

• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1007855678

 

http://bloomington.craigslist.org/w4m/1007855678.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S-fLsg_5Sg&feature=channel

“People fall in love because the chemistry in their brain tells them too.  So if you are engaged in foreplay, that person you are stimulating is also being stimulated to fall in love with you.  So that’s why we do it.  And it also feels kind of good.”

So basically are you predetermined to fall a little in love with anyone you engage in foreplay with? So long as it stimulates the chemicals in your brain, you can’t help but chemically become attached to the person?

“Love is actually a chemical imbalance”

Which raised the question, how do people across distances fall in love? Or people who do not engaged in any form of foreplay?  Which I think would have to exclude kissing as well, and I don’t know if anyone besides long distances couples would “exclude” to that extent.  

There must be a distinction between growing to care for someone and the chemical imbalance that causes the “love” feeling.  And then the combination of the two leads to epic monogamous relationships?

Regardless, little kick start reminder to everyone that Valentine’s day is right around the corner.  If you don’t have someone to love you… just play with a stranger’s nipples for a bit.

To clarify, “growing to care for someone” as in on an intellectual level, rather than a “feeling”, but an intellectual understanding of traits and points about the person that you have grown to appreciate.    

All rather unromantic.

I’ve been thinking about it, maybe I have been giving my short partner…excuse the phrasing… the short end of the stick. 

To be fair he asks me quite frequently “What do you want? ..What do you want to do? …What do you like?” Then again this can tie into the whole lack of dominance issue.  I don’t want to ask for what I want or have to tell my partner what I want.  I want them to start doing, and through trial and error figure out what it is that I like.  Half the fun is discovery right? 

Also I’m busting out of my dating shell and trying new things, some that I may or may not be comfortable with.  You want to finger me while wearing latex gloves? Okay. You want to choke me? Well let’s ease into it.  Did you just bite my clit? That felt good.  ,

In all fairness this is how I approach my partners, I don’t ask “Do you want a blowjob?… Do you want me to play with your junk?”  I just cup and go, I try different things.  Use my hands a different way this time (this could be attributed slightly to my tiny attention span).  

So I think my frustration lies in what I interpret as a lack of interest in my pleasure or returning the favor, is just him waiting for me to tell him what I want so that he can do it.  Which fits his very logical, systematic personality.   

He assumed that I just enjoyed constantly getting him off with nothing in return because I never voiced any concerns that I wasn’t getting to orgasm or even be played with.  Which tracks back to my random thoughts that maybe I’m too insecure around him to broach the subject.  I want to try, but watching my past patterns of relationships I don’t know that it will happen.  Or that he is even interested in doing things that I would enjoy.

I guess I should feel like a terrible person since I am like the only one who didn’t watch the inauguration today. I wouldn’t have even known it was today if it wasn’t for facebook.  And yes a few people have poked fun at me for being on a liberal campus, yet not watching the inauguration of President Obama.  

Worse yet, my professor even let my class out early in order to watch it.  And then played it on the big dropped down screen in the classroom, inviting the students to stay and watch it with him.  I hightailed it back to my room and watched Vh1 of all things.  

I’m certainly glad Obama was elected.  If I had voted he is the one I would have voted for.  I think.  But in reality I suppose I am just another lazy citizen that can’t see the bigger picture of how historical it is to have a black president. Overjoying in getting Bush out of office.  Yadda yadda.

Yes, broadly I realize it’s important to participate or I can’t gripe later when our nation’s leader is a dumbass.  Hmm! Maybe about a million of me happened the last two terms.  Broadly I realize that who is elected, what they do, the changes they make, etc affect me.  

But facing a half an hour walk back from the classroom, being hungry and a bit brain fried from all the intellectual goobly-glob I am forced to deep throat on a regular basis here on campus…I don’t care?

Really, politics is probably the furthest thing in my mind ever.  Out of the three no-no’s (religion, politics and abortion? I think?) I can argue points for the other two easily, and even show interest.  But in this participatory government, where everyone has a blog and a voice and the peer pressure to participate is evident and choking…I have to say.  Still don’t care. 

Shit.  By writing this I am taking part, and voicing my thoughts and opinions on the current state of affairs revolving around politics.  Blogging and facebook must be how they suck you in.  Bastards.

Just as soon as I think I’m on the verge of telling my psuedo-girlfriend that I’m not interested in her, we get together and have a great time.  We get along so well.  

It’s just the sex and the cigarettes that turn me off I think.  The sex because it will be my first time with a girl so I’m a little scared and awkward. However, I am very attracted to girls and my psuedo-girlfriend for that matter.

Then the cigarettes…I’ve dated people who smoke before and I usually just tasted it when I kissed them.  But with her I just smell it all over her and as nice as snuggling is… it wafts up and hits me in the face. Regretfully, I spend the date worry that it will get on my sheets and on my pillow and then I will be smelling it all night.  But I’m not the type of person to demand she change her lifestyle in order to date me, and I’m also not the type of person to give up all the fun we have and the bit of chemistry over it.  

Maybe that’s why I’m so reluctant to see her more often, but also reluctant to flat dump her.

Dating is stupid. 

Ni ni.

So how do I break up with someone I’m technically not dating? I’m semi seeing a girl who’s engaged.  She’s a great girl, we have a lot of fun together really.  However, romantically it’s not really happening.  

She smokes which doesn’t bother me, that’s her choice … until we kiss.  I try to be understanding, but a mouthful of cigarette smoke is a huge turn off for me.  Also, as much as I like to see her and hang out I’m not into her as much as she is into me.  She wants to hang out often and chit chat in messenger.  I never mean to seem like I am ignoring her but honestly her clinging just turns me off.   So I feel like I am leading her on because I am reluctant to completely shut down any future dates.  But I’m also reluctant to be as available as often as she would like to see me.  

Also I find myself slipping into the dominant role with her.  It’s hard not to when she is quite a bit shorter than me and fits so well in my arms when we snuggle.  But being the “man” (I’ve been feeling that way for right or wrong) has never appealed to me. 

I honestly think the majority of what is holding me back is the smoking. Not to mention the strange dynamic of her being engaged and living with her fiance. 

What to do.

I liked this quote today.

“Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.”
– Confucius

So, I was Googling for any information on how to handle being sexually incompatible with someone.  I recently got out of a long term relationship because my partner wasn’t “kinky” or “adventurous” enough for my tastes.  Also I wanted to be the submissive one in the relationship whereas I was constantly taking the dominant role.   

As much as I loved and cared about him… even though he was/is my best friend… we couldn’t overcome this obstacle.  The relationship eventually degenerated to the point where we lived as best friends; we couldn’t enjoy touching each other or being with each other as a couple anymore, but we still cared deeply for one another and spent a majority of our days together.

It’s been very much to my surprise to be back out on the dating market and find myself suddenly not kinky enough for one of my new partners.  We’ve had sex twice, and although it was interesting at first, it didn’t really do anything for me.  Not through lack of size or effort.  He’s actually rather HUGE in that department, to the point where I was a bit scared to try sex at all.  The foreplay started off well, the positions were new and exciting.  We tried handcuffs and some bondage the second time around.  So really all the elements I had been missing in my previous relationship were present with this new man. 

Unfortunately the bells and whistles never went off.  A majority of the time now I’ll give him a blow job to finish him off, mostly out of fear that he will lose interest if I can’t satisfy him sexually in some way at least.  He hardly returns the favor, at all for that matter.  So it’s a very one sided sexual relationship.  

Now he claims to be dominant, but I fear the role may be skewed since I’m quite a bit taller than him.  Whereas I am completely submissive and comfortable with my other partner who is taller than me and dominant as well, I am very awkward around the latter partner.   

Also things that excite me with my taller partner, I find to be turn offs with the shorter.  

Today he was talking about anal sex and I felt repulsed, whereas my taller partner and I have very nearly broken my anal sex cherry. Similarly, I love it when my taller partner spanks me.  However my shorter partner tried, and it was this embarrassing sort of tap that frankly, I found anti-climactic after all the buzz this partner had made about beating his last partner.  Similarly I have ventured into choking with my taller partner but I have no interest in it with my shorter partner. 

I’m very sexually attracted to my shorter partner.  Physically he is handsome and very well defined, great shape, tan.  The only physical trait that doesn’t appeal to me is his height.  We seem to be compatible as far as personality- compatibility, also cuddling and other intimacies are great.  

I do worry that my own insecurity holds me back from being adventurous or confident enough to ask for what I would like and to try some of the things we claim to mutually like.   I do find myself more concerned about my own physical appearance while we are together rather than enjoying the experience.  (Partially because I feel he is out of my league in this respect.)  Whereas with my taller partner I feel completely comfortable to try new things and be myself. 

Maybe the height difference just makes it impossible for either of us to fit into roles that should be well matched.  Or perhaps my own defensiveness keeps him from being able to make the jump in intimacy.  Gasp.  Horrid thought: could he be worried about scaring me off? When he spanked me it was barely a little tap rather than the stinging slap I have grown to love with my taller partner. 

So now what? My last relationship ended because of sexual incompatibility that we could never resolve.  Although this isn’t an exclusive relationship or by any means long term, decidely on both our parts,  I would still like to be satisfied and in return satisfy him.  Also I want to hold his interest, I equate a lot of self worth (for better or for worse) with being pleasing to my partners (not just sexually).  

It’s something that’s been nagging at me for quite a bit.  I could just enjoy the things about the relationship that are going well, and seek sexual satisfaction with my other taller partner.  But I would like to be able to connect in most aspects to all of my partners.  Not just collect bits and pieces from each.

Worst part about working out and losing weight?…Your boobs become tiny and rock hard.

Worst part about not using a scarf when it’s below freezing? … Your nose hairs turn to icicles.

Worst part about having a warm but short coat in the winter?  Your legs get chapped.

Worst part about having sex while you have a yeast infection/vaginitis?  It feels really good and really itchy at the same time.

Worst part about dating four people? You get 4 times the good stuff… but also 4 times the bad stuff.

Worst part about having rough sex and getting spanked? Explaining all the bruises.

Worst part about unlined hand cuffs? OW MY FUCKING WRISTS! Thumb swollen, wrists cut and swollen.  Explaining it to your recently ex boyfriend the next day in class.

Worst part about finishing a book by your favorite author? You have to wait another year before the next book comes out.

Worst part about breaking up with your fiance because the sex was bad and when you are with him you let yourself go? No one plays with your teddy bear and does the teddy bear voice like him.  Nobody understands your strange moods, mannerism, habits, or ways of speaking as well; suddenly you have to explain things again.  When he doesn’t want you back after you figured out he’s the best thing that ever happened to you.

Songs I liked today: Fall Out Boy- I don’t care  and Missy Higgins – Where I stood